The Flamboyantly Straight Expeditionist posted by Erin

As Scott has pointed out, future relatives should come with labels (i.e. "Extremely Sensitive, Handle with Care", "May react violently with exposure to...") . In Scott's case, maybe his should've been "May spontaneously combust into fits of laughter, dirty jokes, and random frivolity". However, this would be replaced when Steve more aptly labeled Scott.

One of our favorite pastimes when the four of us are together is to play board games- Taboo, Pictionary, Balderdash, Cranium, etc. I don't remember which board game we were playing, but it was a "get to know you" game where other players guessed your responses to various questions. Scott drew the question "Which two words would you use to describe yourself?". Steve pondered this for awhile and then his face lit up. He scribbled his answer on a piece of paper and looked very pleased with himself. When it came to time to reveal his answer, we all laughed hysterically- Scott had been effectively re-labeled: "flamboyantly straight". We have never come up with a better description of Scott.

On another evening, Scott and Melissa were teamed up against Steve and I for a rambunctious game of pictionary. For those who aren't familiar with the game, you silently draw clues to get your partner to guess the word on the card. Scott and I were drawing for our respective teams and after looking at the word, I handed the card to Scott. I couldn't think of a good way to get Steve to guess this word, but I gave it my best. I drew a big SUV with a big family and was desperately trying to draw something that resembled the Ford logo without using letters (that's part of the rules). Steve is guessing "car! truck! SUV! Family! Mom! No wheels... no... umm... oval... umm... car... truck..." and meanwhile, Melissa is guessing "Man! Coat! Trench coat!... Pervert... flasher..." Clearly something had gone terribly wrong. We figure someone (i.e. Scott) looked at the wrong word on the card. Turns out, while I was trying to draw "expeditionist", Scott was drawing "exhibitionist" (as Webster's dictionary explains:"a person marked by a tendency to indecent exposure" rather than "one who goes on an expedition").

:-)
Erin

"Did she just say P#%*s?" posted by Scott

Some relatives should just come with a warning sticker on their heads: "Warning: Mischevous Person. Do not expose to small pets, children, elderly, or persons with heart conditions, epilepsy, acne, bad breath, ... etc etc". We all love Erin to death, and this is probably why... she makes us laugh, and she can never pass up a good joke or prank (see Recycled Scooby Snack).

It wasn't long after Scott learned to lab test any food Erin handed him, that Erin found a new target for her mischief. In the Spring of '04 Scott and Melissa had adopted a chihuahua/ dachshund puppy named Peanut. She was doing well with her training, learning commands, her name, and she seemed to trust and love everyone she met. When Thanksgiving rolled around that year, Erin and Steve invited Scott and Melissa down to Bakersfield for the weekend, and Peanut happily came along for the ride. Peanut didn't know what she had gotten herself into.

When Scott and Melissa arrived they introduced their new family member to Erin. Peanut was so happy to meet someone new. Erin took a real liking to the new puppy... well, in her own way. Even though Peanut is a girl, Erin must have thought that name didn't suit her, because immediately she began calling the dog... well, put it this way, her name for Peanut was a little more "masculine". All weekend she kept calling the dog "P#%*s!", which just confused the heck out of poor Peanut... but after all, she is half "weener" dog.

One night during a fun evening of boardgames, wine, and loud music, we ordered pizza and soon enough a deliveryman showed up at the door. Of course Peanut came running to the door barking, and Scott goes to get the door and the dog. No sooner did Scott open the door than Erin belts from across the room "P#%*s! P#%*s! Come here girl!" To which a rather shocked and confused delieryman stutters "Um, did she just say P#%*s?" All of us at this point are starting to turn red holding in the laughter. An embarrassed Steve quickly answers "Uh, uh, no, she said Peanut, yeah". Undeterred, Erin belts out again "P#%*s! Come over here P#%*s!". Then the deliveryman so astutely proclaims "She DID say Penis! She DID!" To which we all lost it, and began laughing uncontrollably. Well, we finally got our pizza, and to this day, for better or probably worse, that dog will answer to either being called a small shelled nut, or a male reproductive organ. :-P Thanks Erin! Next time can you just teach it to roll over?

Recycled Scooby Snack posted by Scott

There should be a written law, perhaps in a subclause of a marriage contract, that would require the soon-to-be spouse fully disclose and list any relatives or friends that are particularly mischievous, devious, or generally untrustworthy. Especially if that spouse expects their new mate to spend lots of time with said relative or friend. This would allow the unsuspecting husband (or spouse in general) to avoid any unnecessary trickery or deception from Erin (I mean, a suspicious relative/friend in general). It would also allow that spouse to avoid such hilarious situations as listed below (but then, what fun would we ever have?).

It was the Spring of '03, and Erin, Steve, Melissa and I decided it would be fun to go to Vegas for a weekend. Erin and Steve were living in Bakersfield, Ca, and Melissa and I were living near San Jose, Ca. So Melissa and I drove down to Bakersfield to meet Erin and Steve, who had rented a large SUV to drive over to Vegas (since their cars were a bit cramped for that long a trip). We all pile into the rather dirty rental SUV, pack a cooler and some bags full of snacks and head out for our long journey.

It is worth mentioning at this point that I still didn't know Erin very well at all, so I was naively trusting and had no idea of her mischievous side. Melissa however, practically grew up with Erin (their mothers are identical twin sisters), and they are more like sisters than first cousins. But does she warn me about Erin? Oh no. I found out the hard way. After several hours of traveling, munching on snacks, sodas, and whatever else the girls passed to Steve and I from the back seat, Erin innocently asks if I want a gummy scooby snack (kinda like a Scooby Doo shaped gummy bear) and passes one forward. I thought it was a bit weird that they bought gummy snacks, but oh well, I take it and pop it in my mouth and start chewing away. About that time, I hear a lot of restrained laughter from the back seat as the girls are doing everything they can to stop from doubling over with laughter. "What the heck is so funny?" I thought as I chewed away at my snack. Then my mind started putting the pieces together... dirty rental car with old french fries and kids happy meal toys stuffed in the seats, an oddly juvenile snack handed to me by two girls now laughing so hard they are turning red.... Oh God. I spit the scooby snack out right away. Erin had found an old scooby gummy snack in between the seats and I just ate it! :-P Needless to say, I was always suspicious of Erin after that, and to this day I can't look at a gummy bear without laughing. :-)

Don't Touch Those Towels! posted by Scott

It is well known throughout the Galaxy that a towel is a most massively useful thing, particularly with interstellar hitchhikers. Partly because it has great practical value. You can can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; wet it for use in hand-to-hand combat; wrap it around your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a brush, but very very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason if a strag (strag = nonhitchhiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit, etc, etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

I (Scott) however, am not an interstellar hitchhiker. Although I do still realize the massive usefulness that a towel can bring. Especially when one is standing in a bathroom with sopping wet hands and face... clearly this is job for those towels hanging so daintily next to the sink, you know, the ones that so nicely match everything else in the bathroom. However, far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy, on an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet, this useful concept of a towel has been completely lost on a whole generation of ape-descended female life forms, particularly those of the Soldatke family. For those unfamiliar with the social and cultural practices of this particular group of females; from which Melissa and Erin happen to be descended; it is considered a particularly offensive taboo to put to use those colorful towels hanging so conveniently next to the sink. If an unsuspecting guest, particularly those of the male persuasion, were to innocently use these towels, they would soon be met by a female wrath rivaling that of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. For it is commonly accepted among this particular group of female ape-descendents, that the most massively useful thing in the entire Galaxy... is for decoration only.

It was over this shared revelation that Steve and I first bonded, having both experienced this unique female phenomenon first hand. It was during my marriage to Melissa that I first met Erin and Steve. Steve, like I, had fallen head over heals in love with one of these unique female descendents of the Soldatke clan. We realized then that we were kindred spirits, both having survived the wrath the follows the use of the most massively useless thing in the Galaxy... decorative towels.

P.S. If you are reading this and would to know how to avoid such wrath, it is easy. You should use the stained raggedy towels that are easily located in the cellar, down the flight of broken stairs, in a disused bathroom, under the sink at the back of a locked cabinet, with a sign on the door that says "Beware of the Leopard".